Enchanté

Have you ever met crazy? The kind of crazy that simultaneously makes your mouth gape and fear for your life? The kind of crazy that should be tranquilized and put into a straight jacket? The kind of crazy that if prompted would tear your head off with its bare hands and eat your soft fleshy cheeks? Well I met that kind of crazy Saturday night, and its name is Brenda.

I met crazy at my friend Brandon's birthday party. Now Brandon is a character is his own right, so as you might imagine, the people that come to his parties are... interesting. Interesting is the word my mother uses when she doesn't know what to say. Oh that movie was... interesting. Well that sounds... interesting. Well I met the mother of all interesting at this party. Perhaps the incarnation of psychotic is the better term. Now I heard tell of Brenda before, and I'll admit, I thought the stories that Brandon told were a bit exaggerated, a bit overblown. But after seeing Brenda in action, I believe she can do anything, from slaughtering cattle with karate kicks to levitating a 747 with nothing more than the sheer power of her schizophrenic mind.

Brenda went to Quantico and trained to be a C.I.A. agent. She is an expert in martial arts and can speak seven languages. But Brenda flunked the psyche test. Because Brenda is crazy. When Brenda got back from Quantico, she decided to get drunk and do spy-type forward rolls in the middle of Powell St., even though she had a broken wrist from training. When the cops came they had no idea what they were in for.
"Uh, miss, you need to stop what you're doing and come with us," said cop #1.
"Leave me alone, I may be drunk but I know what I'm doing," said real life but mentally screwed Alias's Jennifer Garner. It was at this point that the cop grabbed Brenda by the wrists. Newsflash-bing bong, bad idea. Four cops later, she was finally hog tied and in the back of a police cruiser, which she promptly broke the back windows out of with her stiletto heels.

Now fast forward to Brandon's party. I have never seen a human being act the way she did. She spoke in an affected manner, like some New England matron millionaire. "Enchan-tay. I've heard soooo much about you Jen, I feel like I already know youuuu." Whaaa?

During the course of the evening she:
a) threatened to beat up Brandon, the person who invited her to the party;
b) threatened me with her dead shark eyes and an ominous, "Ummmm, yeah.";
c) Took her shirt off
d) Sashayed to the end of the dining room table, stopped, pivoted, stuck her arm in the air a la Saturday night fever; and
e) runway-model walked out the back door.

She also informed us that her new girlfriend uses chew and swallows it, which she thought was "friggin hot." In between the runway walking and threats of bodily harm, Brenda gyrated, gesticulated, thrust her girl parts at any and every one. And I honestly believe she thinks she's acting perfectly normal. I want to know, what it's like inside her head? Do you suppose it's like a TV that is constantly changing channels? Does she see people in an altered state, much like the poor people in Batman Begins did after getting a snootful of that magic Scarecrow dust? And would meds temper the insanity? Not sure. I told Brandon that I'd be game to have Brenda at one of his parties again... if she was in a cage. Enchanté.