Dating online is not how it appears in this picture

So for the last month I have had my profile online, trying to get my meat hooks into some unsuspecting man for rollicking good times. Thus far it hasn't really worked. I met an Australian guy for coffee who said lots of things like "I took the hospital pass on that one" and "My wife thought her career was more important so she took off and went to Asia". Only it sounded more like "Asiure". What the hell is a hospital pass? I asked him but I don't remember the answer. I think I stopped paying attention after he told me he went to see the movie Jumper with Hans Christian Andersen. No, Hayden Christensen. Yes, that's it. Anyway, even though I am a die hard sci-fi fan, even I knew that that movie was going to be crap. If only he has said, "Now there's a knife," like Crocodile Dundee, maybe things would have worked.

The next guy I met for actual cocktails. I thought ok, this will be better, the alcohol will loosen things up a bit, and I can always say "Hey, sorry but I forgot that I have to get this abscess lanced," if I needed to escape. I was pleasantly surprised! What a nice normal guy, and tall! I likes em tall. So we hung out for three hours - THREE hours, and we had a nice time. We talked and there were the normal lulls in the conversation, but really, we seemed to have enough in common and got along well enough to go out again. At the end of the night he walked me to my car and told me how great it was to meet me, and that we would have to do it again. Then you know what happened? NOTHING. He never called me again. What the hell? Why spend three hours with me if you thought I smelled like soup or that I my ass was the size of a small European car? I was completely willing to overlook the fact that his nose shot off to the left, or that he had an incredibly tiny and sharp K-9 tooth that snaggled its way out when he smiled, or that he was is originally from South Dakota. Totally willing. But no. Men are fickle creatures. Fickle, stinky, macho boobs. Is it any wonder that I can't get a date? I know, I am partly to blame. I guess I'll just have to take the hospital pass on this one.