Neighbors be Damned!

Dear Jesus, is it wrong to want your neighbor dead? WWYD Jesus? I am having a problem with my newest neighbor. She is a God-fearing, cigarette-smoking, player-piano-having, manipulative passive-aggressive be-yotch that needs to be smote forthwith. I have lived in my complex for almost 5 years and not until this serpent of doom moved in did I ever have a problem with anyone. It started with the tromping. Back and forth, day in and day out, her footfall was indistiguishable from a small herd of migrating water buffalo. My apartments are old and all movement is transferred through the wood flooring. So I complained to her, I wrote her a note and told her of the tromping situation. She complied for a while, but now she's at it again. If I cut her feet off, do you suppose that would help? Or would I have just introduced another equally annoying component into the equation, namely the whirring of an electric wheelchair buzzing through the walls? Well, since I can't cut her feet off with much ado I'll never know. Now she is not so surrepticiously jockeying for half of my storage unit. She asked my land lord if she could have half. I told him if it was all the same to him, I wanted it for myself. And I don't feel bad about that. I have lived in that place for almost 5 years, and have just recently gotten the storage unit all to myself. How long has she been here? Two months tops. I have what my mother calls "Squatter's Rights". I have been there the longest, therefore, the shit is mine. So I didn't here anything back from my landlord; I assumed all was well. Well I assumed wrong. The other night I go outside to find my cat and here she comes, "Jennifer, Jennifer, can I ask you a question???" Oh dear Jesus no I don't want to talk to you. "I sure was hoping to get a hold of your storage unit. Jim said you wanted it all to yourself. It sure would be nice though to have a place to put my fan and my luggage and my..." It is here dear reader that I just blanked out with rage. What a twat. If you had been told no, would keep asking anyway? And now if I don't give her half of my storage unit, I am a bitch. Well bitch I shall be. Screw that wench. She can whine and kvetch all she wants. Even if I stack only lint in my storage unit, she gets none of it. NONE. God I hate neighbors. I need a house. Does anyone have one to sell for cheap? Otherwise she'll get to use the storage unit all right, only she'll be on the inside and I'll be the only one with the key. Blurgh.

Blurgh

Has it really been that long since I've been away? Really? Well I suck shoes. Really, you ought to just stop reading now because you'll get all sucked in and then I won't type another thing for 4 months. Blurgh. I stole blurgh from what is possibly the world's funniest sitcom, 30 Rock. Well, maybe not the world's, they may have some sort of Indian-language Maude somewhere. But blurgh fits most everything in my life right about now. I am the size of a small armada. Blurgh. My new next door neighbor is a smoking christian with a player piano that pounds out The Sting. Blurgh. I just ate a croissant and I am sure I have flakes of it on my face and in my hair. Blurgh. I'm not sure why I give the blurgh an "h" on the end, but it seems appropos.

In the 9th grade (about 17,000 years ago) I had a group of friends that would say the word "dart" in response to something stupid or something obvious. That was a lame movie. Dart. Her pants are retarded. Dart. Only it was more like Da-aaarrrrt. I never knew how the useage of dart came about, but it felt right at 14, as blurgh does now. I think in the near future I shall compile a lexicon of the words and catch phrases that I used to say back in the day, and perhaps if the words' meanings have morphed over time, or become obsolete. I have too much time on my hands. Blurgh.