Spam anyone?

So I've continued my spate of nonsensical ramblings to my co-worker Dan, whom I'm sure is absolutely delighted with all the fabulous things I write to him. They really are special. We discuss work, movies, and as of late, levels of mental disability and other people's food choices. How perfect. What follows is an actual IM conversation; Some of the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

[ jen]: before I die, I will make Bob stop eating his onion-ass-burning-tire pie. If it's the last thing I do.
[Dan] : You managed to resist saying something for 4.5 seconds longer than I thought you would.
[ jen]: hate it. Must make it stop
[Dan] : It's good to know that your life has a purpose now
[jen] : yes, one goal. All consuming. That and writing a book.
[ jen]: 1) defeat ass-tire-onion pie, and 2) write book
[Dan] : That's secondary to halting Bob's onion-ass-tire-pie consumption though
[jen] : right
[Dan] : oh, i guess you just answered that
[Dan] : twice now
[jen] : yes
[Dan] : stop it
[jen] : I am quick
[jen] : only mildly retarded
[ jen]: not like you, Mr. Moderate
[Dan] : i'm not rtraddededd
[jen]: you r challunjd
[Dan] : be nice
[ jen]: pish tosh
[Dan] : i'm glad i was able to swallow that coffee before it came out my nose
[jen] : wait, take another swig
[Dan] : you ain't that funny
[ jen]: oh yes, yes I am

From this conversation you can discern that Dan thinks I am funny to a point, and that I am going to get Bob to stop bringing in his onion-ass-burning-tire pie and eating it at his desk. If it's the last thing I do. Then I'll write a book.